Gratitude, Grace, and Patience

Recently, these 3 things have been heavy on my mind and I need to get out what I’m feeling.

Gratitude

I need to look around and be okay with nothing more. This speaks to consumerism, my family size, my body, my talents, my home, and the list goes on. I want to strive for greatness but I also want to be okay with where I’m at today. My wish is to believe that nothing on this earth is everlasting. Shocker! It isn’t. My once-shiny Nike shoes are now brown, beaten, and unloved. And I can’t stop looking at fresh new ones online. The only everlasting thing is Jesus and above all else, I hope to be grateful for that.

Grace

I turn on Netflix for Benji while I cook dinner. Guilt.
I read a verse. Grace.
I fight a meltdown while Benji has a tantrum. Guilt.
I pray. Grace.
I’d rather do dishes than play with my son. Guilt.
I talk about other mamas about these struggles. Grace.

Grace. Guilt. Grace. Guilt. Grace. Guilt. Raising a tiny human is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My son swallows up all my energy and I’m expected to put on a smile because that’s what motherhood looks like. Right? I am not an expert on giving myself grace. Far from it, actually. But I will keep trying. Reading Molly Millwood’s “To Have and To Hold” is helping.

Patience

There is often a moment when I look out the kitchen window (while doing dishes) and I stare at the cold Wisconsin winter. I feel sad and isolated. I don’t like to complain about winter but it’s more than shovel annoyances. I feel the desire for warmth deep in my heart. Simply, I need patience for the return of warmer seasons. In the meantime, we took a family drive to Olbrich Gardens and that is just what I needed.

Patience runs deeper than winter blues. In many aspects of my life, I need it more than ever. I let my child scream for longer than I should before I push through my own sadness and calm him down. In my opinion, that’s motherhood in a nutshell.

Why I wrote this

A quick side-tangent to wrap this up. Mamas are plagued with beautiful depictions of motherhood on social media every single day. The section in Millwood’s book about social media spoke to me with this passage:

“From behind the safety screen of social media, we either put our shiny happy faces forward, or we vent about the superficial messes and stresses of parenthood. Both practices cloud our view of our deeper shared experiences as mothers.”

I really really struggle with this because I like sharing the happiness of motherhood. Also, I truly believe that genuine online communities can be beneficial. It helped me through breastfeeding hardships by validating how freaking hard it is.

This blog entry is my attempt of a deeper view of myself as a mother and the things I struggle with. If you got this far, I salute you. Honestly, as I read this post back, it sounds like ramblings from my head (which it is). Thanks for reading. :)